dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
