someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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