I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
