He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You dont lie about slip and slides
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize