Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
