3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
