But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
