I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
