just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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