You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
