did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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