i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
