Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
