I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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