The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
