WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
