I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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