she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
