I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize