I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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