please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
