Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
