dude i'm inner monologue high
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Randomize
