did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
