I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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