but the lizard people decide everything anyway
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
