Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
