So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
