you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
