It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
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Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
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does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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