I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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