So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
