If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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