This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
