What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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