he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
