I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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