We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
