Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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