He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
