oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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