Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
