hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
