I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
