anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
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On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
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Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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