If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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