Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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