i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
