guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
