How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
FUCK WHALES
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