the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
